When my insurance company earlier this year denied prior authorization for SRS, though it was expected, hit me like a barrel of bricks. I lost the ability to work consistently, so I've had to go on leave twice, one month the first time, and two months the second time: I remain on my current leave for a couple more weeks. But now as my mental health professionals are trying to prepare me to return to work, they ask, It looks like SRS isn't coming any time soon, so why don't you let that be? I told them, this, it is too important to let that be. I may be to return to work consistently, but this will always haunt me.
The reason is simple, no SRS is something you must continue to endure. As I shower, I avert my eyes not to see the thing; as I lie down, I try to keep it in a position where I don't feel it; as I walk, I try to keep it in the correct position in my boxers so as not to hug my leg; and, if I tuck, I can feel that thing the whole way through. A lot of reminders there are for a part so small.
No SRS is something, if it goes on long enough, will continue to erode me. It is absolutely vital that I get SRS someway or somehow, and I move desperately for the way. I've appealed the insurance's denial with help from a lawyer and I've reached out to my company's diversity department to add SRS coverage.
I hope I don't have to save it up. After returning to work, I don't know if I will have other interruptions as I fall under the weight of no SRS, so saving up money for the whole thing, enough to pay for the SRS and to pay for the food, lodging, and travel while I am away, may be a pipe dream.
The stress of no SRS has worsened my mental state these past couple years. It started with panic and rage in October 2012 that led to a suicide attempt and hospitalization. Two more hospitalizations quickly followed. Now I am $5000+ in medical debt. Then came the wait and the denial for the pre-authorization that made me so anxious, depressed, and obsessive that I could hardly work at all and I've had to go on two leaves of absence. Obviously, none of this is amenable to saving up for SRS.
My self-care has also declined, as I've taken to wearing the same clothes day after day, even while showering several times a day. I've been forgetting to brush my teeth many a night and morning My motivation to care for myself has declined as no SRS has born down upon me. I see my failings, but I have no motivation to deal with them.
Now I live on in fear. I fear that before I can get SRS, I will have a relapse of the psychotic episode I had when I was 14. I believe the functional declines I've experienced recently have made me more vulnerable to this outcome. My official diagnoses are autism spectrum disorder and gender dysphoria, but I wonder if there isn't a third more severe disorder lurking underneath it all, biding its time.
To try to reassure me of this, to reduce my obsessive worrying about this, my doctor has placed me on Prozac and states he intends to go to a high dose, but ironically a high dose of Prozac in addition to a high dose of Zyprexa were the medicines I was taking when I became psychotic at age 14. What fixed the psychosis was getting me off the Prozac and putting me on at least the maximum dose of Zyprexa. I wonder if the Prozac wouldn't rekindle my vulnerability again.
Such a relapse would mean placement with the men again. I do not look forward to it.
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